Co-Parenting: You Keep Saying That Word...

What is Co-Parenting?  Parents, who aren't together, who are raising a child together.  Seems pretty straight-forward, right?  Easy enough.  Then, why is it so hard?

 After particularly hostile custody hearings I have often wondered why it is so hard for parents to co-parent, to work together for the benefit of their child(ren).    Are we expecting too much out of these parents?  Is it such an impossible feat--to co-parent civilly?  In some cases, maybe.  But, mostly, it's really not. 

Now, I'll be the first to say that I have a touch of vindictiveness--that drive to "get even" when I believe I have been wronged.  (this dates back to the sibling prank war of 1999--good times!).  But, when parents play this game, and yes, it is a game, it is the kids that ultimately suffer.

My parents divorced when I was 2 or 3.  I have little to no memory of them being together.  However, I do have plenty of memories about how much they hated each other as I grew up (I know grammar nazis...I ended a sentence with a preposition!).  My parents are both good people.  They loved my brother and I unconditionally, but hated each other with nuclear capacity, and it showed.  I honestly believe disparaging each other became a game for them.  I would laugh along, conspiratorially as my dad made a derogatory remark about my mom, and mom and I would laugh together when she told me my dad was a jackass.  It was all fun and laughs.  But, in between the laughs, it put me in a very awkward spot.  My parents weren't doing this to hurt me, but that doesn't mean it didn't.  It took many years for me to develop, what I feel, is a good relationship with both of my parents (who still dislike each other a great deal, by the way).  While I was growing up, I never felt comfortable talking about the fun I had at dad's house, with my mom, and vice versa.  I felt like I was somehow being disloyal, or that I would make them mad by telling mom about riding the four-wheeler at dads, or sharing with dad the excitement of mom getting a pool.  It became so ingrained that I find myself still doing this as an adult.  And isn't that just a little sad?  As an adult, I learned that my dad used to come to my softball games without telling me, and would leave before I knew he was there so there would be no confrontation with my mom.  This literally broke my heart, and I think about it a lot when I see my clients headed down that road.  Co-parenting wasn't a thing back them, so they get a free pass, right?  On the other hand, maybe we should moderate our expectations of what co-parenting really is.       

My husband and I have been happily married for a long time.  (Just ask him.  He'll tell you being married to me is just bliss!)  We have two beautiful (hell-raising) children who constantly keep us on our toes.  My husband and I, we genuinely like each other (most of the time!) and we still struggle with the concept of co-parenting.  Yet, we expect people who often hate each other (sometimes with nuclear capacity) to agree on how to raise a child.  Perhaps some of our expectations are too high, but I believe as parents, we can do better.  It's difficult to take the high road, oh boy is it difficult (more so for some of us than others....) especially when a return slap is richly deserved (*disclaimer--do NOT slap anyone!).  But, the next time it happens, take a deep breath and remember, your kids are looking to you to set the example, plus, the judge gets pretty grumpy when this stuff pops up in the courtroom.  Celebrate in your kids' joys, whether that joy was with you or the other parent.  Your kids need both parents to be present for sporting events, dance recitals, prom and graduations, and they need you to swallow your hatred for awhile and pretend to co-parent.  Because at the end of the day, we fake it till we make it.  And if you have to pretend, you pretend.  Grin, bear it, then call up your lawyer with "you won't believe what this POS said/did today..."  because that's how we make our student loan payments :)

Also, it doesn't stop there.  Someday, your child may have children of their own and the cycle will play out once again, just in a different setting.    Cause if your kids turn out to be anything like my brother and I, there will not be separate birthday parties for your grandkids. 

**Climbs off soap-box.